“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion