I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
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[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.