I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I’m not proud
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The first matador
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.