the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I need to get some bricks…
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]