If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT