If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
🤣🤣🤣
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.