Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!