Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
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Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.