If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
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OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!