What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.