Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
This will teach them to underestimate me
tourist season
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.