This will teach them to underestimate me
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Lucky old June.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I’m too immature for adultery.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD