Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
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Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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