Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
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My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas