someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*