[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
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The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor