Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
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Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
That de-escalated quickly
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out