Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
You Might Also Like
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.