@WheelTod

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

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@iwearaonesie

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

@josh___grant

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

@ArfMeasures

[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it

@noog

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.