[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
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culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes