Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
*skinny dips into black hole
There’s no “u” in narcissist
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Breakfast for Stoners:
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her