There’s no “u” in narcissist
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Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
this is me
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids