Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
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If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
not to brag, but mine was free
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.