i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.