Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
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Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.