Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Cndnsd Mlk
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.