sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Wednesday
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
How high do the levels go?