When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
awkward
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.