I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*