son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*pronounces carrot like tarot*