Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

they’re called hooves, dummy🙄

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese

Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style