That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
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Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Optional boss fight.
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Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
when mom throws a party…
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Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.