That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
You Might Also Like
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?