Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now