I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
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Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot