The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
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I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water