Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
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Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.