*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
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My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.