Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
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Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Tremendous stuff
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
A French press is when you hug naked
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Fluff me with a fork baby
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.