Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
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Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.