@GetCougarized

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

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@TragicAllyHere

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

@noog

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

@dreamthievin

A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox

@maughammom

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

@TheAlexNevil

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

@SteveSuckington

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

@TheRolo

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

@DavidAdt1

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.