it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.