I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
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Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
True
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age