I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
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eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.