The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.