I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
every. time.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy