Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
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the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
podcasts
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.