Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”