[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
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Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
That’s enough internet for the day
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Whoa 😂
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach