Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
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Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”