Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
You Might Also Like
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
When someone says you are so lazy
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
britain’s three elite institutions
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this