The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.