I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.