You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
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Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.